Funny Tweeter

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Page of joshgondelman's best tweets

@joshgondelman : Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

@joshgondelman: A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

@joshgondelman: I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

@joshgondelman: I'm terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I've separately texted each of them: "Wow! That's the best baby I've ever seen!"

@joshgondelman: Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

@joshgondelman: Sometimes I think I'm pretty well-read and other times I see the word "doing" and pronounce it like it rhymes with "boing."

@joshgondelman: Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

@joshgondelman: There's nothing to stop you from whispering "I'm in!" like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

@joshgondelman: I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

@joshgondelman: In retrospect, "Metallica" is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It's like a Bob Dylan calling himself "Ol' Folksy."