My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
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Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
no one ever comes back
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once