When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane