“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
peeping toms
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.