I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
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I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.