Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
You Might Also Like
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
You’ll be OK
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted