I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Very good! 👍😂
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me