They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese