A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist