god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
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Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…