Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Merica.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.