boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.