You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.