microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I told my vodka about you.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.