I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.