PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”