As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.