My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
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People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.