In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
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I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????