I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?