We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
You Might Also Like
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS