I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I only watch slasher movies so I can plan a smarter escape, and also to yell at dumb people getting murdered
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three