@julcasagrande

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

@julcasagrande

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

@julcasagrande

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

@julcasagrande

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

@julcasagrande

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

@julcasagrande

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

@julcasagrande

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

@julcasagrande

I only watch slasher movies so I can plan a smarter escape, and also to yell at dumb people getting murdered

@julcasagrande

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three