If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
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I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Note to self: always read the final line
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?