Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I feel it
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Childbirth is so beautiful
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Once again not all heroes wear capes