Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
You Might Also Like
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.