Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
me hooking up with my ex
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.