Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Cucumbers Anonymous
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.