I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce