@juliussharpe: I'll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to end the banter before two people announce who won an Emmy.

@juliussharpe: I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?

@juliussharpe: The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.

@juliussharpe: If Apple has taught me anything, it's wait to see the "Steve Jobs" movie until they release a second version.

@juliussharpe: Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair... the warm pavement on your face...

@juliussharpe: I bet "Fifty Shades of Grey" won't make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.

@juliussharpe: I can see your camouflage pants, so they're not working.

@juliussharpe: When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.

@juliussharpe: If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."