I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”
I’ll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to end the banter before two people announce who won an Emmy.
I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.
If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.
Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…
I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they’re not working.
When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, “Guys we totally suck at losing money.”