Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
lol
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.