Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
You Might Also Like
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way