@junejuly12

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

@junejuly12

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

@junejuly12

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

@junejuly12

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

@junejuly12

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

@junejuly12

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

@junejuly12

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

@junejuly12

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

@junejuly12

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

@junejuly12

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.