Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

@junejuly12: I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

@junejuly12: Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

@junejuly12: I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

@junejuly12: Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

@junejuly12: The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

@junejuly12: At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@junejuly12: Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

@junejuly12: me: can you take care of the grass?

son, 14: *laughs* we call it weed now, mom

me: *narrows eyes* I meant mow the lawn

son: oh oh

@junejuly12: [middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*