“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
me: clean your room
(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*
And now we wait.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.