*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related