Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”
Translated from “be with you shortly”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!