Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts