Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
You Might Also Like
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past