@junejuly12

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

@junejuly12

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

@junejuly12

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

@junejuly12

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

@junejuly12

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

@junejuly12

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

@junejuly12

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store