Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
worst…sale…ever
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.