Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Pot warmers of the day.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline