After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Him: I really like your car
H: What is it?