I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
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please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay