Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The news in a nutshell.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”