I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.