@juneohara65

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

@juneohara65

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

@juneohara65

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

@juneohara65

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

@juneohara65

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@juneohara65

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

@juneohara65

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

@juneohara65

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

@juneohara65

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?