I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I never needed anything more in my life
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too