Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Great Canadian literature.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?