“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
ok this is my dumbest yet
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories