@jus4golf

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

@jus4golf

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

@jus4golf

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@jus4golf

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

@jus4golf

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

@jus4golf

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

@jus4golf

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

@jus4golf

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

@jus4golf

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.