My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*fires up juicer
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.