Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
That de-escalated quickly
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”