Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
You Might Also Like
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.