This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table đ
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if theyâve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
When I call back Dominoâs a second time to let them know itâs been over an hour and my pizza still hasnât been delivered.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Her: âWhat an ugly babyâ
Him: âMy baby is NOT ugly!â
Her: âSo, whoâs baby is this?â
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Husband: Iâd rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. Iâm getting my own room???
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30âs
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games whoâs only job is to shout âshoot!â on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Iâm gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I donât understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
every time I try to lay down for a bit itâs someone in a group textâs birthday
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?