Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?