If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.